I’m forty today.
With that number comes too many implications that aren’t real.
Too much social media, too much comparing, not enough self-reflection.
Or maybe too much of that too? I don’t know.
One thing is for sure:
I shouldn’t be swimming in the Sea of One Million Reasons Why I’m a Failure, I know.
But I’ve been dipping my toe in it since I could stand.
Habits are hard to break and harder to form, but I’m working on it.
I’m forty and I know when I need help and how to ask for it.
I’m forty and I know how to spend time with people. I also know how to be alone.
I’m forty and I know that I’m part of something; a working piece, just like you.
It took my entire life to get here and so I’ll just celebrate that victory.
This update was made on September 7th, 2018, from my unmade bed this afternoon
Today I’m heading back to Richmond from Norwood. This house, Trudy’s house, has provided just the right amount of shelter once again and I’m so fortunate to have been here these last nights with friends and songs and hummingbirds. Shooting stars, katydids, cuckoos, the whole nine.
I look forward to my next visit, just like always.
Tomorrow, David and I start moving into a small apartment in a slightly busier part of town. Our house is under contract and soon it won’t be ours. This is a glorious thing.
We love our house, but we love our future freedom even more.
I was in LA again earlier this month, making a short film with my amazingly talented friend, Sharon Mooney. I’ll update this space as some sort of release gets closer.
Getting rid of things has become a little easier, thanks (I truly believe) completely to therapy. I’m learning about myself and my attachments, taming my mind, domesticating the parts that need it, letting go of the parts that don’t need holding.
There’s a serious reshuffling going on and man, did I ever need it.
Get rid of your shit, basically, is what I’m saying.
This update was made on August 31st, 2018, from The Garden Room at The Porches in Norwood, VA
Penny was dreaming wildly this morning and woke me from a dream I was glad to let go.
My dream had men hacking at each other with swords while I was chasing Jonny Z and his marching band around town – I could hear them, but never could figure out how to get to them.
I’m not sure what Penny was dreaming about.
I would like a band, please.
There’s a change coming for me. It’s as real as air and as definite as breathing. My dark side is waiting for the nightmare to surface, but my more-normal, less-dark side is the boss of me right now, and so I know I’m just a little nervous about the change.
It’ll be fine, whatever it is, I just know it’s on the way. Special delivery.
I’ve been in therapy since March, if you’re wondering how I can let my more-normal, less-dark side be the boss. It ain’t easy, but I know now that I’ll survive. I spent most of my growing up years in therapy, but it was nothing like this – this is something.
Nothing to be ashamed of if you’re leaning toward therapy, by the way. I honestly don’t see another option for myself.
The summer has set in here, way before June, and I’m daydreaming about all of the other places out there to live. More on that another time.
This update was made on May 28th, 2018, from my kitchen in Richmond, VA
This morning, David is adding gravel to our parking area to make the house more appealing to potential buyers. This is a long-term project with a very loose end-date.
The future is bright and mildly uncertain and we are thrilled.
I’m drinking coffee and comforting Penny (who usually comforts me) because everything is loud and weird outside.
I leave tomorrow to drive with a very near and dear friend all the way to LA, to drop her off into her new life.
I will miss her terribly.
We’ll be taking our time getting there. Follow along here. It will be an ode to The Southwest and to her.
I’m currently working on a short fiction/thriller piece that has grown to adult-size and is basically about childhood trauma.
I’m also in therapy for the first time in almost 20 years.
These things are most definitely related.
This update was made on April 15th, 2018, from my kitchen in Richmond, VA